Hi everyone,
This is my story and I was thinking that I should really post it here , because I feel that it needs to be said. It all started when a good friend of mine called me cocky. It wasn’t in a mean tone, or an annoying tone, more in a matter-of-fact tone. And I never realized how cocky I was until she said something. I think we were reading something and one of the words was cocky and me being my forgetful self asked what ‘cocky’ meant. And she said, ‘you’re cocky.’ I don’t remember her exact wording but I remember how I felt when I she told me. First I was in denial, no way was I cocky, I thought. And then I was really upset and I thought that being cocky was the worst character trait. Then I was bound and determined to change. I did change but in a way that was worse than better. I really started to put people first and their feelings. But when it came to my own, I would push them away and label them as ‘unimportant’. I was repeatedly putting myself down, discouraging myself with discouraging and negative thoughts. I felt ugly, worthless, and stupid, I thought that I was horrible at everything I did, and I thought that people, for once, were better than I was instead of vice versa. I didn’t think that I ever would get married, after all, who would want to marry me? That is what I felt, that is what I thought. I never had thoughts of suicide; I stopped all of it before it could get that bad. All I can say is that I got pretty damn close to feeling that I didn’t belong here on earth. I was so depressed and at the time I didn’t really believe in God. I thought I did but deep down inside, I didn’t.
I finally put a stop to all of it one night when I was the only one up, sitting on my couch, doing my speech. Ah, another thing that I should add. I have a very small speech impediment and back then, I made it bigger than it really was, if you know what I mean. Anyway I was getting so frustrated and none of it was sounding like it should, none of it was sounding like something a normal person would say. I was getting really discouraged, really angry, and really upset. At the time, the exercises I was doing needed a mirror. I looked in the mirror and my lip literally curled. That had never happened before. I hated myself. I could not look at myself. I looked in the mirror and I thought, ‘wow, you are the ugliest person ever’. I was literally arguing with myself, it was like I was two people in one body. One was saying how bad I was and the other way kept reminding me that I was not ugly, that I was talented, intelligent, etc. But I wasn’t listening to that one; I was listening to the voice inside my head that was telling me that I was the ugliest person ever. I don’t know what happened after that but the night ended up with me praying and writing a poem. And the poem went like this:
A blanket of bad
Covers the good
I cannot see it
But I know I should
Please take the blindfold off
So I not only
See the bad but
The good too
Let me see me
Like you do
I'm blinded by the bad
God, please let the
Light shine down
Like it had
Years ago
When I didn't care
What others thought
Of me
That is the key
To a good and
Happy life
Not a worry
Do I think
Not a cry
Do I shed
But instead
A smile so bright
That puts
The brightest of lights
To shame
Please help me and
Help others
See the good of me
See the side
I don't see
I felt a little more than better once I wrote that poem. I don’t cry often; nor do I talk to anyone about my feelings, for fear that I will be rejected. Anyway, so what do I do? I let my emotions build up which I’ve learned is very bad and unhealthy. Now I either write or talk to God.
From that point on, I slowly changed. I slowly accepted myself and I slowly began to gain my self-esteem back. But I was still unhappy. And I still felt, every once in a while, that I was ugly, I still felt that I was no good. I grew up in a Christian home and for a while there, I thought I was Christian. But deep down inside, I doubted that God even existed. I was afraid to believe because I used to think, what if I die and find out there’s no heaven and that everything turns out to be rubbish? When I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior this past year I cried because part of me wanted to believe but another part of me was afraid to believe. I didn’t talk to anyone about this-a mistake I now know. I felt very unhappy, lonely, unloved and very unprotected. I felt very vulnerable too, I felt like the person who walks into a battle without a weapon, a magnet to danger. As weeks went on I started reading the bible and most importantly, I started praying. Well I’ve always prayed but never during the day. I started thanking God for things I wouldn’t even have thought to thank him for weeks before. Now I can proudly say that God is my friend, my father, my weapon. I am happy, I’m far from lonely because I know I have him to talk to, I feel as loved as one can feel, and I feel like God is protecting me. He is my shield from danger, he is my weapon. I find myself talking to him and a couple of times he has spoken to me.
Now you ask, what made me change?
There’s no way you can change overnight, right? Wrong.
It’s possible and it happened to me. One night I was determined to become a different person, one who believe in God and one who believes that everything he says is true and the next day; I did. I believed in God and most importantly I believed that everything he says is true. When people compliment stuff I do I find myself saying, ‘I couldn’t have done it without God.’ I find that without God, my poems and stories wouldn’t be half as good as they are. When I’m scared I ask God to be with me, I know that he is with me. I imagine his hand inside mine, telling me all is going to be okay. I just wanted to let you all know that God does make a difference in your life, a big difference. Just keep that in mind. I wrote a journal entry a while ago that said,
‘I feel like there’s something missing from my life’
And I just now came to the conclusion that what’s been missing from my life is God.
I’m not the type who rubs my religion in other people’s faces. I respect you and your religion, period. So please don’t comment say that I want I’m saying is total crap, etc. I respect your beliefs, remember that. I really don’t know what else to say besides that you are beautiful. You are talented. You are worthy of your own self love. “…you are you and that is truer than true. Nobody is alive that is youer than you.” –Dr. Seuss
Nobody is ugly, and that is a fact. You can continue to tell yourself that you are no good that you are ugly, that you have no talent, you can continue to lie to yourself, but where’s the good in that? Is it helping you or hurting you?
It most certainly isn’t helping you. And I learned that the hard way.
Please think about what I just said.
Never let your self-esteem get as low as mine once did.
Save yourself from a load of trouble and….
Love yourself and others.
Take care my friends,
-Rebecca
PS: I've come to the conclusion that you're only ugly on the outside if you're ugly on the inside.
